The existence of God has been an idea I have been grappling with for over ten years now. The idea of God, taken out of the context of human culture, seems to be very fantastical. Supposedly, there’s an omnipotent, omniscient entity in the sky who orchestrates and guides our movements while preserving our free will. The Abrahamic texts refer to God in a very human, almost parental way. God is nicknamed ‘Our Father’ and in every instance is referred to as a ‘He’ implying very human qualities (namely, gender) for an entity supposedly not bound by any human limitations. Some religions imply the presence of one grand force through the manifestations of different gods. Other religions name a “Great Spirit” or the “Tao” without any intermediaries. All texts refer to one ungraspable force that designs, permeates, and lives within the Universe and its organisms. The subsequent actions and parables told in these respective texts reflect a similar force acting through different stories. Every text describes the “force” as being omniscient, omnipotent, and all-pervading throughout the Universe. I cannot argue with the universality of this theme, despite the details, God can be recognized throughout all of humanity. However, the fundamental meanings and definitions of the text hinge on the details. The defining point of the Christian religion is the Savior status of Jesus Christ. The defining point of Islam is Prophet Muhammad as the ‘Seal of all the Prophets’. Clearly these two religions cannot both be right about this point. A reading of all the religious texts shows that these details and their incompatibility with each other  are too numerous and fundamental to be ignored. There is a long history of organized religion used as a political tool to keep the population firmly under the control of the state in a psychological manner that also makes me suspicious. The holy texts seem hard to verify in a historical way as well. Because of these huge inconsistencies, I am forced to view religion with the same eye I view ancient mythology-stories that explain human life and the Universe through parables with no factual meaning or basis.  I cannot nor should I trust the revelations to show me the Nature of the Universe anyways, I should be able to figure it out on my own.

That said, this task is nearing impossibility. I have for ten years, wondered if God truly does exist and if so with what conditions. 

The human mind likes to ascribe meaning to everything it perceives, even if it is not the accurate meaning. For this reason alone, I am afraid to use events to attempt to “perceive” the mysteries of the divine. Also, I seem to have stories that justify both theism and atheism in my young life. 

I have had people approach me and say ominous things-things that later I knew I needed to hear. I have met the best people at the best possible time in my life to deliver a message or to help me grow. I have been lucky throughout most of my life. My logic-drenched mind cannot explain why I have been seeing three consecutive-digit numbers EVERYWHERE all the time. Statistically, it is impossible. Right now the predominant numbers are 111, 444, and 777. I cannot explain this.  I see references to God even in the most improbable of places (nailed to a tree, on the back of a person’s shirt). However, besides the numbers, The other instances could be explained by chance or an organized system of Fate (that would exist for what purpose other than to serve God in some way?).

However, I have plenty of stories to counter those first ones. I have yet to find anyone to explain to me why God would let a miscarriage happen; the baby being entirely innocent because it isn’t even out of the whom yet. I have yet to have anyone explain to me why God would birth me into a world in which 2/3 of people cannot feed themselves. Why would God let genocide happen? Or let a child, innocent enough, die at all? If God is the moral authority on Earth, which so many claim that God is, why would God never choose to exercise his authority in defense of the morals ‘He’ claims should treasured and abided by? 

I became tired of struggling with this issue. And that mental exhaustion raises another point, does the existence of God even matter? Are religion and spirituality simply a more advanced way for humans to exercise their instinct to assign meaning to everything? 

When I began to think along these lines, events in my life began to change yet again.

This winter, I have had several moments that have touched me at depths I never knew existed. I have felt the perfect orchestration of the Universe, the imperfection/perfection of people, the frailty of human life, and the power stored within every human. By definition of human nature, this Universe is more than two-dimensional.  

If there is no meaning at all to the Universe, it reduces are lives to a series of two-dimensional events.  To assume that humans, with our weak five senses already know and perceive everything is quite arrogant. Our eyes only perceive a fraction of the colors on the light spectrum. However, that does not mean that the invisible colors do not exist. We have used technology to harness the invisible part of the light continuum to advance our society (radio, tv, microwave, etc.). 

I am comfortable with my uncertainty. I am so comfortable not knowing. Perhaps what I missed all these years was that the constitution of the Universe is obvious and does not matter as much as the mechanics of its function. The interdependence of the world and Universe that most human cultures deny by dividing themselves up with petty differences. Even the fundamental division between humans and God is false, for there must be a little bit of God in everything in the Universe, if God’s Nature is to unify. For the rest of my life I could attempt to dissect the un-dissectable. How can I, someone who is trained to take things apart and analyze them to figure out the whole, take apart the strongest being in the Universe whose only function is to unify everything/itself. However, this argument is also suspicious because what intellectual integrity would I have if I believe in something I can’t fully understand? Also the forces of Nature divide and unify as well. However, it is the best argument I have. This is where I am currently and I am sure I’ll have new ideas soon.

Like I said, I am comfortable with my uncertainty.